Q: You're pregnant? How did that happen?
A: Why yes. Yes I am. The way it usually happens, thank you very much. Sheesh. Oh, do you mean was I on fertility drugs? Oh, well that makes more sense. Nope. Totally natural this time.
Q: Umm ... congratulations?
A: Thank you for your enthusiasm.
Q: Was this ... planned? Or was this a surprised?
A: Both. The time felt right, but with my history of infertility, it's still an exciting surprise. (I'm amazed with the number of people who think I could have gotten pregnant accidentally. I'm fairly certain that I can manage to not get pregnant if I don't want to be pregnant. It ain't rocket science, people.)
Q: So when are you due?
A: Early May. I am starting my eighth week today.
Q: Isn't this a little early to be telling people?
A: I've known for an entire month and kept my lips zipped. I call that the Accomplishment of the Year. Yes, it will be very unfortunate if I miscarry and have to actually change my header logo again, but I would have told people if I'd miscarried anyway. This blog is about being real and trying to let other people find solace in the inevitability of imperfection and trials. It's what I do here.
Q: So what do you want? A boy or a girl?
Q: No. Seriously.
A: Okay, fine. I'd love to have a little girl. I'm already outnumbered FOUR to ONE in my household and I find myself staring at the pale pink, shabby chic home decor wistfully when I'm at the store. This is not natural. Plus, it would help the boys learn how to treat a lady right. Right? If it's another boy, I'll be fine with that but I will be bitter for a few years whenever I see my neighbors dressing their daughters up in those cute dresses with hair bows and matching shoes. Mildly to severely jealous, too. But I'll get over it. I adore my three boys and wouldn't wish them away. The same will be true of the next baby. I will love it because it's mine, whatever it is. Gender is only one part of the genetics.
Q: How do you feel?
A: Pregnant. By which I mean, I have the nine month flu. I'm hot, uncomfortable, dead tired 24/7, and I find myself longing for the days when I actually had the flu and could throw up to ease the nausea. I just feel like I'm gonna puke all day long but I never do. Riding in the car makes me feel so queasy that my twice-daily drive to the twins' preschool makes me seriously consider hiring someone to pick them up. I can't sleep through the night and my toilet is my new bff.
My house is becoming more and more cluttered and icky because I can't bring myself to clean for more than about 15 minutes at a time, and the smell of cleaners makes me ill. I have to eat something at least once an hour or I feel like my stomach is going to crawl out of my body and yell at me to hurry up and FEED IT. All of that while I am developing serious food aversions and can't even look at most of my favorite foods anymore. I bought water crackers and saltines today and nearly tossed my cookies while looking at raw meat and sugary cookies. Oh man. I think I'm gonna be sick just thinking about it...
Q: Sounds like fun.
A: I hate pregnancy. I'm super excited that it happened and I can't wait until I have another little member of the family but there will be SERIOUS divine intervention involved to make me ever go through this again. Ever. If I miscarry, which would be both devastating and heart-breaking, I honestly don't know if I'd have the courage to start over. That's how much I hate HATE HATE pregnancy. It's evil. Every time I'm pregnant, I have this recurring daydream where God is laughing at me. Laughing really hard. Because pregnancy seems like a cruel joke.
Q: Ummm, okay then.
A: Sorry. I'll get to the rainbows and roses and cheerful banter again really soon. I can't tell you how excited I am. I'm just also scared to death. My emotions are whirling around in circles faster than I can think and ... well, just give me a little time. The day after I found out I was pregnant, I thought, "God, have you seen how I'm managing with the other three you sent? Are you sure this is a good idea? Because I'm not so sure. I'm happy about it and I wouldn't mind having twins again, but... You know how inadequate I am, so.... are you sure about this?"
Q: Do you think you'll have twins again?
A: No, because I'm not on fertility medication this go around. However, I feel like I'm bulging at the seams already and I'm extremely annoyed with my body. I'm not gaining much weight (which is a miracle with the way I can't stop putting crud in my mouth) but my shape is already changing a lot. If I found out it was twins, I'd feel slightly less embarrassed about the way I look. And terrified about what was coming. And thrilled to get two for the price of one. (Which I learned last time is actually more like "two for the price of three pregnancies all rolled into eight miserable months.")
Well, that's it, folks. If you haven't learned way more than you wanted to know, I'm not sure what more I can do for you. One last note:
YEA!! I'M PREGNANT!! WOOHOO!!
... I'm gonna go take a nap ...