We tried this once before at a semi-private function and the result was a family with indescribably disgusting symptoms of cryptosporidium. I swore off the public swimming pool all of last year as memories haunted my sleeping hours.
For some reason, though, I had no problem suiting up when we went on vacation and let's both be honest: how clean can a hotel swimming pool be? Visions of spit, urine and flaked-off dead skin cells aside, I can hardly wait to go on vacation for the swimming alone. In Berlin, I admit, I spent some glorious hours floating on my back in paradise. (By which I mean a top-floor, indoor pool with skylights that let in just the right amount of light and none of the sweltering heat.)
I do not go swimming in our local public pool. Let me repeat that: I DO NOT GO SWIMMING IN OUR LOCAL PUBLIC POOL. It is sort of a mantra of mine that I have to repeat aloud for my children several times a summer. Or at least it has been. Something has changed.
When my kids bugged me about going swimming in the past and asked, "Wwwwhhhhhhhyyyyy?" in that whiny voice that kids pull off so well, I would reply: "Because I .. uhh ... oooh look! What's that over there?" Which is to say: I dodged the question. But here's what I was thinking: "Because I look like a big, fat beached whale with the whitest legs on the planet. And I'm fat. Did I remind myself yet that I'm fat and a swimsuit is not the right look for me?" Which, interpreted to a more subconcscious level, becomes this: "If I go to the public pool, I will see somebody I know. They will look at me in horror and think to themselves, 'I always knew she was fat, but whoa. That's sickening.' "
So what has changed? I realized that yes, people will know I'm fat. However, people already know I'm fat in my normal clothing. (Please do not leave comments trying to spare my feelings. I'm about 75 pounds over my target weight. It's okay: I'm fat!) In addition to other people already knowing I'm fat, it's true. I'm overweight. Okay. So that leaves us with... who cares? I know I'm overweight. They know I'm overweight. Why not put a smile on my face and create tidal waves of joy as I splash around obliviously with my kids?
With mental anxiety set in its' proper sphere, I can now get down to the business of having fun. I shaved my legs a bit (ahem.. a lot) more thoroughly than usual, lotioned them up, and got my flip flops ready. I know it sounds like I'm going to have a great time, but don't succumb to that impulse to crash the party. Sorry to all my fans, but your favorite celebrity blogger (ME! Who did you think I was talking about?!) isn't going to be signing autographs. I'll be wading around with my kids saying, "True Confessions of a whaaa...? Never heard of it."