Friday, July 20, 2012

Weakness, then strength

My life right now is stuck between dream, reality, and a nightmare. Nothing feels real. I guess I'm a little numb to the pain, because if I allow myself to feel, I don't know what will happen.

I'm about to file for divorce. My husband and I have been separated, for all intents and purposes, for several months. I don't need to go into the details, but life is complicated right now. I know some people think I'm being selfish. Some people think I'm being naive. People can think whatever they want--I think I'm being brave.

Being brave isn't easy. It's painful. It doesn't come naturally to me. I'm a strong person, but I don't always want to be. I want to have the freedom to just melt into a puddle of insecurities, but I can't afford that with four children to take care of. I have to be strong.

As I lay on my floor a few minutes ago, forcing myself to do a few more crunches and glute exercises, the tears ran down my face. My body hurt all over and I just felt like I had nothing more to give. But I kept moving, willing myself to find the strength that I don't have right now.

I'm trying to be strong, but I feel so weak. Is that the natural order of things? To gain strength, we have to push ourselves beyond comfort, beyond the limitations we have set for ourselves. We must make ourselves weak in order to become strong.

I stared in the mirror yesterday, looking at the too-many-curves of my body. So soft, so flabby, so weak. I want to be strong and proud of myself, but I don't feel that way. I am not that person. Ironically, to become that person, I must believe I am that person. I have to go into a hypnotic state of believing in my own strength, when all the evidence points to the contrary, if I want to find actual strength.

And then I look in the mirror and reality crashes in. I fight with myself--I am weak. No, I am strong. I am weak. Yes, I am weak, but I will become strong.

Weakness before strength. I must believe in myself to become myself. It is the natural order of things.

But some days, it is so hard.